Although we pride ourselves on our wine knowledge here at reallycheapwine.com, a few of the finer technical details sometimes leave even us in the dark. Questions like: “What is wine made of?”, “Why does it make me feel so good inside?”, followed by “How come it doesn’t contain more of this ‘alcohol’ stuff?” have been raised in discussion only to be resolved by arduous hours trawling through Wikipedia, translating arcane wine-speak into understandable prose.
Today, we address yet another one of these pressing questions: “What makes wine dry?”
Wikipedia says that the dryness of a wine is “determined by the interaction of several factors, including the amount of sugar in the wine to be sure, but also the relative levels of alcohol, acids, and tannins.”
That, to us, sounded like someone who didn’t know what he was talking about. So, on a vote of four in favour with one abstention, we came to a new definition:
“Wine is made dry by adding to it the honeycombs of bees that have recently been raided by bears.”
Why? Because it sounds right.
Which leads us to this particular wine: “Der Trockene” or “The Dry One.”
“The Dry One” is a pretty apt title ’cause it’s really fucking dry. Tongue to sandpaper, mouth to sandpaper, throat to sandpaper dry. It has too much beehive in it. Way too much beehive. True, it’s not the worst wine you’ve ever had, but how can you be sure when you can’t feel your mouth anymore and it’s trying to eat itself?
Now, we respect the Germans for trying. After so much heckling over the brutally sweet undrinkable syrup they normally produce, their effort in making a wine this dry is laudable and shows frightening efficiency and determination. Well done Germany. However, in the end, they just didn’t pull it off.
Luckily for us, this cheap German white raised some interesting questions and made us think more about what makes wine the glorious beverage we worship daily. We chased some wild geese and arrived, panting, at the truth. And now we have shared that truth with you.
2.49 2.5 @Kaufland
Washed it down with Prosecco the way you wash cough syrup down with Prosecco.
You can either get drunk, or you can get high on codeine and DXM. The taste’s the same; you just have to quickly check whether or not you’re a 13 year old in the southern states of the U.S. of A.
If you’re not, you should probably think about buying a different bottle of wine.
2.59 2 @Kaufland
Tastes like a large bottle of slightly crap table wine.
But, in case that’s too vague, I’ll try to elaborate.
You know when you’re with a friend and one of you has brought a bottle of wine to drink and neither of you know if it’s any good? And so you open it and you both take the first sip?
Right. So then your friend says “Well, it’s not bad,” and you nod.
But there’s a funny emphasis on the word “bad” that’s akin to your Mother meeting your girlfriend and saying: “Well, darling, I’m glad she’s not selling herself on the street anymore,” and somehow it doesn’t feel that good inside.
And so you say: “Isn’t that what Granny said about you when you first met?” and you both laugh, realising that we all get through life with our flaws and foibles and that we take what comes to us as it may and do our best to stick it through to the end and make something good out of what’s been given to us, however small.
And you say: “At least in comes in a large bottle.”
And your Mother says: “What, darling? I don’t quite understand.”
And your friend says: “Hey, you were just talking to yourself again.”
And everything gets a bit surreal.
Well, that’s like this wine.
2.49 2 @Kaufland 1L
Threw up everywhere. Just everywhere. All over everywhere. All over the place. “What place?” you ask. My place. All over. Everywhere.
This bizarre cocktail is ostensibly the same as the much lauded Contado, but brutal on the system. It might not really be the fault of the drink though. It could have elderflower in it, and I’m allergic, okay? Since I was a kid, got it? Really bad stomach pain. Really bad. All over.
That, or the amount of cheap gin I added.
You never know.
Apart from that, this vermouth is, like the Contado, poor-man’s Pimm’s. Which, you might think, rather defeats the entire religious ideology surrounding Pimm’s.
But this isn’t about the Reformation (as I had suggested in my Contado review).
Because, instead of questioning indulgences, I just try to offer you cheaper ones for the same spiritual reward:
“As soon as the coin in the coffer rings, the soul into heaven springs.”
That hasn’t changed. Just now, see, it’s smaller coin.
Which makes me the Pope of really cheap wine. Which makes you my flock.
So, go, my children, go! Go out and drop your coin into the cash-register of redemption! Go and slowly twist off that bottle-cap of revelation! And oh, my children, those among you who may suffer from an elderflower allergy stay away from the stuff cause it’s not worth it, trust me. Seriously, I mean it. Don’t go near this shit. Or check the label. I dunno. You could call the company, I guess. Maybe it was just me. Or something I ate. That’s also possible.
1.19 3 @Kaufland
If cold, plastic bottles of mineral water were still in—sun sweated day—that refreshing,
and just ate a salad too (rocket, post-yoga, pre-meditation).
But this is “The Little Wine Devil,” and we know the plastic’s bad, a slur on the afternoon,
such a delicious wine.
3.99 4 @Kaufland
Like the middle-aged man who, if he makes an attempt at fitness and doesn’t dye those grey hairs, will look quite respectable in a few years.
Having met him at this point, however, he is still slightly portly and uninteresting—a little tart and unimpressive…. Perhaps in a few years.
3.49 3 @Kaufland
This is a really simple cheap red wine—a little Dad’s-been-making-wine-again unstable, but no one’s complaining. Or, I’m not. You can find a better wine for the price (French wines tend to be a bit more highly priced anyway), but for that cheap wine, pre-drink, wine at the park, found in the kitchen at a house party, half bottle morning swig, this will do you just fine.
2.99 2.5 @Kaufland
Reminiscent of the best of the worst cheap Chardonnays, this wine is a bit bitter, not great, bearable. You may think it’s filth but, remember, it’s the best of the filth, so give it the respect it deserves and finish it.
1.79 2.5 @Kaufland
An impossibly obese gentleman sweat-draped half-naked over a car could hardly hope to help sell the vehicle faster, and this impossibly bad label did not have me leaping for the bottle.
However, like the sagging Ferrari beneath our larger friend, this wine had very little to do with its label. A nice, dry, oaky wine. Do not be put off by the front cover.
2.79 3.5 @Kaufland
Mouth crow-barred open by this red rich, a little sweet, larger than—remember the corpulent New Yorker?—wine. Fantastic.
3.33 4 @Kaufland
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