Der Trockene 2008
Although we pride ourselves on our wine knowledge here at reallycheapwine.com, a few of the finer technical details sometimes leave even us in the dark. Questions like: “What is wine made of?”, “Why does it make me feel so good inside?”, followed by “How come it doesn’t contain more of this ‘alcohol’ stuff?” have been raised in discussion only to be resolved by arduous hours trawling through Wikipedia, translating arcane wine-speak into understandable prose.
Today, we address yet another one of these pressing questions: “What makes wine dry?”
Wikipedia says that the dryness of a wine is “determined by the interaction of several factors, including the amount of sugar in the wine to be sure, but also the relative levels of alcohol, acids, and tannins.”
That, to us, sounded like someone who didn’t know what he was talking about. So, on a vote of four in favour with one abstention, we came to a new definition:
“Wine is made dry by adding to it the honeycombs of bees that have recently been raided by bears.”
Why? Because it sounds right.
Which leads us to this particular wine: “Der Trockene” or “The Dry One.”
“The Dry One” is a pretty apt title ’cause it’s really fucking dry. Tongue to sandpaper, mouth to sandpaper, throat to sandpaper dry. It has too much beehive in it. Way too much beehive. True, it’s not the worst wine you’ve ever had, but how can you be sure when you can’t feel your mouth anymore and it’s trying to eat itself?
Now, we respect the Germans for trying. After so much heckling over the brutally sweet undrinkable syrup they normally produce, their effort in making a wine this dry is laudable and shows frightening efficiency and determination. Well done Germany. However, in the end, they just didn’t pull it off.
Luckily for us, this cheap German white raised some interesting questions and made us think more about what makes wine the glorious beverage we worship daily. We chased some wild geese and arrived, panting, at the truth. And now we have shared that truth with you.
You’re welcome.
2.49 2.5 @Kaufland
Posted in 3, Cheap German Wine, Kaufland, Under Three Euros, White Wine | Comments Off
El Copero Vino Tinto 2008
Washed it down with Prosecco the way you wash cough syrup down with Prosecco.
You can either get drunk, or you can get high on codeine and DXM. The taste’s the same; you just have to quickly check whether or not you’re a 13 year old in the southern states of the U.S. of A.
If you’re not, you should probably think about buying a different bottle of wine.
2.59 2 @Kaufland
Posted in 2, Cheap Red Wine, Cheap Spanish Wine, Kaufland, Under Three Euros | Comments Off
Bauernwein Bianco
Tastes like a large bottle of slightly crap table wine.
But, in case that’s too vague, I’ll try to elaborate.
You know when you’re with a friend and one of you has brought a bottle of wine to drink and neither of you know if it’s any good? And so you open it and you both take the first sip?
Right. So then your friend says “Well, it’s not bad,” and you nod.
But there’s a funny emphasis on the word “bad” that’s akin to your Mother meeting your girlfriend and saying: “Well, darling, I’m glad she’s not selling herself on the street anymore,” and somehow it doesn’t feel that good inside.
And so you say: “Isn’t that what Granny said about you when you first met?” and you both laugh, realising that we all get through life with our flaws and foibles and that we take what comes to us as it may and do our best to stick it through to the end and make something good out of what’s been given to us, however small.
And you say: “At least in comes in a large bottle.”
And your Mother says: “What, darling? I don’t quite understand.”
And your friend says: “Hey, you were just talking to yourself again.”
And everything gets a bit surreal.
Well, that’s like this wine.
2.49 2 @Kaufland 1L
Posted in 2, Cheap Italian Wine, Kaufland, Under Three Euros, White Wine | Comments Off
Sonado Rosso Wermut (Vermouth)
Threw up everywhere. Just everywhere. All over everywhere. All over the place. “What place?” you ask. My place. All over. Everywhere.
This bizarre cocktail is ostensibly the same as the much lauded Contado, but brutal on the system. It might not really be the fault of the drink though. It could have elderflower in it, and I’m allergic, okay? Since I was a kid, got it? Really bad stomach pain. Really bad. All over.
That, or the amount of cheap gin I added.
You never know.
Apart from that, this vermouth is, like the Contado, poor-man’s Pimm’s. Which, you might think, rather defeats the entire religious ideology surrounding Pimm’s.
But this isn’t about the Reformation (as I had suggested in my Contado review).
Because, instead of questioning indulgences, I just try to offer you cheaper ones for the same spiritual reward:
“As soon as the coin in the coffer rings, the soul into heaven springs.”
That hasn’t changed. Just now, see, it’s smaller coin.
Which makes me the Pope of really cheap wine. Which makes you my flock.
So, go, my children, go! Go out and drop your coin into the cash-register of redemption! Go and slowly twist off that bottle-cap of revelation! And oh, my children, those among you who may suffer from an elderflower allergy stay away from the stuff cause it’s not worth it, trust me. Seriously, I mean it. Don’t go near this shit. Or check the label. I dunno. You could call the company, I guess. Maybe it was just me. Or something I ate. That’s also possible.
1.19 3 @Kaufland
Posted in 3, Cheap German Wine, Cheap Red Wine, Kaufland, Under Two Euros | Comments Off
Keller Geister Perlwein Halbtrocken
Everyone else had brought something far nicer; I don’t mind admitting it. And all of their bottles had forgone the obvious “two-naked-drunk-devils” motif for well-known names / interesting varietals in squirly writing etc. So, although they were busy doing the classy “I though this would pair well with….” I had gone for the slightly less classy “wanna get drunk, naked, and dance around together?” but it seemed to be going over ok.
Some wines make you sigh, others groan, others wretch. This cheap German bubbly made us smile. Slightly sweet to round off any edges, this would be a great wine to get naked and dance around with, but it ended up being just a really nice way to finish up a meal.
1.89 3.5 @Edeka
Posted in 3, Cheap Champagne / Sekt / Secco / Etc, Cheap German Wine, Edeka, Under Two Euros | Comments Off
Chianti 2009
Rooster’s crow barred sharp edge of a roof warm light through the chinked slates of a new meal.
As for how it tastes, it’s pretty damn good. It wakes your palate up as opposed to putting it to sleep.
2.49 3.5 @Rewe
Posted in 4, Cheap Italian Wine, Cheap Red Wine, Rewe, Under Three Euros | Comments Off
Contado Rosso Wermut
Pimm’s for a tenth of the price, this wine-based drink is a miracle. The idea, as it suggests handily on the back of the bottle, is to mix it with things: orange juice, gin, gin and orange juice….
For big Pimm’s fans out there this probably sounds like heresy, but pick it up, try it, then tell me how much extra change you have jingling about you for tennis balls, pints off Sloane Square, etc. and this should become your orthodox drink of choice.
It’s like the Reformation, but with alcohol.
1.49 4 @Edeka
Posted in 4, Cheap Champagne / Sekt / Secco / Etc, Cheap German Wine, Edeka, Under Two Euros | Comments Off
Lamera Nero d’Avola
Sometimes you take a sip of wine and a dilemma confronts you: is this corked? or is this just excruciatingly bad?
But if you find yourself asking these questions, one quick check can usually solve your problem. If the bottle you’re holding is a cheap Sicilian red, it’s just bad.
I dyed a shirt with this one, so it gets half a star for being useful and containing alcohol.
1.99 0.5 @Edeka
Posted in 1, Cheap Red Wine, Cheap Sicilian Wine, Edeka, Under Two Euros | Comments Off
Montgolfier Merlot
Setting yet another standard in the viscous clays of mediocrity, this dull, cheap Merlot is a dry red that aches to be interesting but can’t quite pull itself away from the TV long enough to do anything about it.
It’s a bottle of could-haves and what-ifs: the morning jog never taken, the dinner passed over for take-away pizza, the free French course never attended because, let’s be honest, what use is French in the TV room?
1.79 2.5 @Edeka
Posted in 2, Cheap French Wine, Cheap Red Wine, Edeka, Under Two Euros | Comments Off
Prosecco 2009
If cheap wine drinkers had a champagne staple then this would be it
because they do.
Enjoyably bad, fruity and tinny, this cheap Prosecco is the product of choice for any map-cap, down on your…, back alley celebration.
1.79 3.5 @Lidl
Posted in 3, Cheap Champagne / Sekt / Secco / Etc, Cheap Italian Wine, Lidl, Under Two Euros | Comments Off